What is a letter of wishes for a will?
A letter of wishes (also called a letter of intent or side letter) is an informal document written to accompany your legal will. It provides guidance to your executors, trustees, and family members about your preferences for matters that a will typically does not cover in detail: funeral arrangements, distribution of personal items with sentimental value, your reasons behind certain.
A will is a legal document that distributes your assets. But assets are only part of the picture. A letter of wishes -- sometimes called a letter of intent, a side letter, or a personal instruction letter -- is the document that communicates everything a will cannot: your values, your reasoning, your hopes for your family, your preferences for matters that carry emotional rather than legal weight.
Unlike a will, which is bound by legal formalities and interpreted by courts, a letter of wishes speaks directly to the people you trust most. It tells your executor why you made certain decisions. It tells the guardians of your children how you hope they will be raised. It tells your family which personal items carry sentimental significance and who you would like to receive them. It can even contain messages to people you love -- words you want them to have after you are gone.
According to the American Bar Association, only about 33 percent of American adults have a will, and fewer than 10 percent have written a letter of wishes to accompany it [1]. Those who do write one report that the process, while emotional, brings clarity and peace of mind. This guide walks you through what to include, how to structure it, and how to handle the sensitive aspects of this uniquely personal document.
What Is a Letter of Wishes?
A letter of wishes is an informal, non-legally-binding document that accompanies your legal will and trust documents. It provides guidance, context, and personal instructions for your executors, trustees, guardians, and family members.
| Letter of Wishes | Legal Will |
|---|---|
| Not legally binding | Legally binding |
| Written in your own voice | Written in legal language |
| Covers personal preferences | Covers asset distribution |
| Can be updated easily | Requires formal amendment (codicil) or new will |
| Read by executors and family | Filed with the court (probate) |
| Covers emotional and practical matters | Covers legal and financial matters |
"A letter of wishes fills the space between what the law requires and what your family needs. It is one of the most personal documents you will ever write, and one of the most valuable." -- Denis Clifford, Plan Your Estate, Nolo Press [2]
What to Include
1. Funeral and Memorial Preferences
Your family may have to make these decisions quickly, often within days. Providing clear guidance reduces stress during an already difficult time:
- Burial vs. cremation
- If cremation, what to do with the ashes (scattered, interred, kept by family)
- Preferred funeral home (if any)
- Religious or secular service
- Specific readings, music, or hymns
- Open or closed casket
- Flowers or donations in lieu of flowers
- Desired location for the service
- Any wishes about the obituary
- Whether you have pre-paid funeral arrangements
2. Distribution of Personal Items
Your will handles major assets (property, accounts, investments), but personal items with sentimental value often cause the most family conflict. Address them specifically:
- Family heirlooms (who receives what and why)
- Jewelry and watches
- Photographs and photo albums
- Art, collections, and memorabilia
- Books and personal libraries
- Tools, musical instruments, or hobby equipment
- Vehicles with sentimental value
- Letters, diaries, and personal papers
Be specific: "I would like my mother's emerald ring to go to my daughter Sarah, as it was promised to her when she was twelve" is far better than "distribute my jewelry fairly."
3. Guidance for Guardians of Minor Children
If your will names guardians for your minor children, the letter of wishes is where you provide detailed guidance about how you hope your children will be raised:
- Educational preferences (public vs. private school, college expectations)
- Religious or spiritual upbringing
- Values you want emphasized
- Extracurricular activities and interests
- Dietary or health considerations
- Relationships with specific family members you want maintained
- Financial guidance (how guardianship funds should be used)
4. Explanations of Will Decisions
If your will contains any decisions that might cause confusion, hurt feelings, or disputes, explain your reasoning in the letter:
- Why you chose a particular executor
- Why you distributed assets unequally among children (perhaps one child has greater financial needs, or you already provided support through other means)
- Why certain family members were excluded
- Why you chose a specific guardian for your children
"The number one cause of family disputes after a death is not the will itself but the lack of explanation behind it. A letter of wishes that says 'I left the house to Maria because she has been its primary caretaker for fifteen years' can prevent years of resentment." -- American Bar Association, Estate Planning Basics [1]
5. Digital Assets and Online Presence
Modern life extends into digital spaces that wills often do not address adequately:
| Digital Asset Category | What to Document |
|---|---|
| Email accounts | Provider, username, access instructions |
| Social media | Platforms, whether to memorialize or delete |
| Cloud storage | Provider, important files stored |
| Financial accounts | Online banking, investment platforms |
| Subscriptions | Recurring charges to cancel |
| Websites / blogs | Hosting provider, whether to maintain or shut down |
| Cryptocurrency | Wallet locations, access keys, passphrases |
| Password manager | Master password or recovery method |
Security note: Do not include actual passwords in the letter of wishes itself. Instead, reference the location of a secure password manager, a sealed envelope in a safe deposit box, or a trusted digital legacy service.
6. Charitable Wishes
If you have charitable intentions that go beyond what your will specifies:
- Organizations you support and why
- Amounts or percentages you would like directed to charity
- Memorial donations in your name
- Scholarships or awards you would like established
7. Personal Messages
Many people use the letter of wishes to write brief messages to family members and friends. This is entirely optional but can provide great comfort:
- Words of love and appreciation
- Shared memories
- Life lessons or advice
- Forgiveness or reconciliation
- Hopes for the future
How to Write It
Tone and Style
Write in your own natural voice. This is not a legal document -- it is a personal letter from you to the people you trust. First person, conversational language, and genuine emotion are all appropriate.
- Use "I want" and "I hope" rather than legal language.
- Be direct about your wishes but gentle in tone.
- Write as if you are speaking to your executor or family member across a table.
Format
There is no required legal format. A clear, organized structure helps your readers find information quickly:
Opening: State that this letter accompanies your will, name the executor, and note the date.
Sections: Organize by topic (funeral wishes, personal items, children's care, digital assets, messages). Use headings so specific sections can be located without reading the entire letter.
Closing: Sign and date the letter. While not legally required, a signature reinforces authenticity.
Length
There is no minimum or maximum, but most effective letters are between two and ten pages. Short enough to be read completely, long enough to cover everything that matters.
Template Structure
LETTER OF WISHES
Date: [Full date] From: [Your full legal name] To: [Executor's name and relationship]
This letter accompanies my Last Will and Testament dated [date of will]. It is not legally binding but expresses my personal wishes and provides guidance for my executor, trustees, guardians, and family members.
Section 1: Funeral and Memorial Wishes [Your preferences]
Section 2: Distribution of Personal Items [Item-by-item guidance]
Section 3: Guidance for Guardians (if applicable) [Child-rearing preferences and values]
Section 4: Explanations of Decisions [Context for specific will provisions]
Section 5: Digital Assets [Inventory and access guidance]
Section 6: Charitable Wishes [Organizations and amounts]
Section 7: Personal Messages [Letters to individuals]
Signature: ________________________ Printed Name: [Your name] Date: [Date]
Important Legal Considerations
The Letter Is Not a Will
A letter of wishes cannot distribute legal property, appoint guardians, or create trusts. Those actions require a properly executed will. If your letter contradicts your will, the will prevails.
Keep It Consistent with Your Will
Your letter should complement, not conflict with, your legal documents. If your will says your house goes to your son, your letter should not say you want your daughter to have it. Contradictions create confusion and potential legal challenges.
Update It Regularly
Because a letter of wishes is not a formal legal document, it can be updated easily. Review and revise it whenever:
- Your will is updated
- A major life event occurs (birth, death, marriage, divorce)
- Your preferences change
- Your digital assets change
Store It with Your Will
Keep the letter with your will or in a location known to your executor. If your will is in a safe deposit box, the letter should be there too (or a copy should be with your attorney).
"The value of a letter of wishes is directly proportional to how easily your executor can find it. A beautifully written letter locked in a safe that no one knows about is useless." -- Suze Orman, The Ultimate Retirement Guide for 50+ [3]
What Not to Include
- Legally binding instructions. The letter cannot override your will. Do not attempt to distribute major assets here.
- Passwords in plain text. Reference a secure storage location instead.
- Angry or blaming language. Even if you have legitimate grievances, hostile language in a posthumous letter can cause lasting family damage.
- Conditions that contradict your will. If your will distributes assets equally, do not write in the letter that one child "deserves more."
- Frequently changing details. If you change your mind often about a particular item, note that the most recent dated version supersedes earlier ones.
Sample Passages: How to Write Difficult Sections
Some sections of the letter of wishes are straightforward (funeral preferences, digital assets). Others require emotional honesty and careful phrasing. Here are examples of how to handle the most sensitive passages.
Explaining an Unequal Distribution
"I have left a larger share of the estate to my daughter Maria for two reasons. First, Maria has been the primary caretaker of the family home for the past fifteen years, investing both time and personal funds into its maintenance. Second, my son David received substantial financial support during the early years of his career, including help with his medical school tuition and the down payment on his first home. This distribution reflects my intention to equalize the overall support I have provided to each of my children over their lifetimes, not a difference in my love for them."
Explaining the Choice of Guardian
"I have named my sister, Rebecca Torres, as the guardian of my minor children. Rebecca shares my values regarding education, faith, and the importance of extended family. She lives in the same school district, which would allow my children to remain in their current schools and close to their friends. I have discussed this decision with Rebecca, and she has agreed to accept this responsibility."
Addressing a Family Exclusion
"I have not included my brother Mark in this will. This decision reflects a longstanding estrangement that I was unable to resolve during my lifetime, and it is not one I made lightly. I hold no ill will toward Mark and hope that my family will treat him with kindness."
"The letter of wishes is the one document where you can speak with your own voice about the reasoning behind your choices. Use it to prevent misunderstandings that could otherwise fracture a family during an already painful time." -- American College of Trust and Estate Counsel, Practice Notes on Letter of Wishes [4]
Common Mistakes in Letters of Wishes
| Mistake | Why It Is a Problem | How to Fix It |
|---|---|---|
| Contradicting the will | Creates confusion and potential legal challenges | Review both documents side by side before finalizing |
| Including passwords in plain text | Security risk if the letter is found or accessed by unintended parties | Reference a password manager or sealed envelope in a secure location |
| Writing in anger or blame | Causes lasting emotional harm to recipients | Write the letter, wait 48 hours, then revise with a calmer perspective |
| Never updating the letter | Life changes (births, deaths, marriages, divorces) render it inaccurate | Review annually and after every major life event |
| Storing it where no one can find it | Renders the letter useless | Tell your executor exactly where the letter is stored |
| Being vague about personal items | Leads to the same family disputes you were trying to prevent | Name each item and each recipient specifically |
When to Write It
The best time to write a letter of wishes is immediately after completing or updating your will. The process of creating a will naturally surfaces the questions and decisions that a letter of wishes addresses. Do not wait for the "perfect time" -- this document is one you can revise as often as needed.
Working with Your Attorney
While a letter of wishes is not a legal document, coordinating with your estate planning attorney ensures consistency and prevents conflicts.
What to Discuss with Your Attorney
| Topic | Why It Matters |
|---|---|
| Content alignment | Your attorney can review the letter to ensure it does not contradict the will or create unintended legal ambiguity |
| State-specific considerations | Some states give more or less weight to letters of wishes in probate proceedings; your attorney can advise on local practice |
| Trust provisions | If you have a trust, the letter of wishes may provide guidance to the trustee; your attorney can explain how trustees typically interpret such letters |
| Tax implications | Charitable wishes or specific bequests of valuable personal items may have estate tax implications your attorney should review |
| Updates and versioning | Your attorney can maintain a copy and help you manage versions so that the most current letter is always the one your executor finds |
Most estate planning attorneys are familiar with letters of wishes and can provide templates or guidance specific to your jurisdiction. The letter remains your personal document written in your own voice, but professional review adds a layer of protection against inconsistency or unintended consequences.
Related Guides
- Formal Complaint Letter -- formal letter structure and tone
- Recommendation Letter Templates -- writing personal and professional letters
- Tone in Professional Writing -- balancing formality and warmth
- How to Deliver Bad News in Writing -- communicating sensitive information with care
Summary
A letter of wishes is one of the most personal and practical documents you can write. It bridges the gap between the legal formality of your will and the human reality of your family's needs. Cover funeral preferences, personal item distribution, guidance for guardians, explanations for your decisions, digital asset instructions, and personal messages. Write in your own voice, store it with your will, and update it whenever your circumstances or wishes change. The process may be emotional, but the result is a gift of clarity and comfort for the people you love most.
References
[1] American Bar Association. "Estate Planning Basics." ABA Section of Real Property, Trust and Estate Law, 2023.
[2] Clifford, Denis. Plan Your Estate. 16th ed., Nolo Press, 2022.
[3] Orman, Suze. The Ultimate Retirement Guide for 50+. Hay House, 2020.
[4] American College of Trust and Estate Counsel. "Practice Notes on Letter of Wishes." ACTEC Commentaries, 2021.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a letter of wishes for a will?
A letter of wishes (also called a letter of intent or side letter) is an informal document written to accompany your legal will. It provides guidance to your executors, trustees, and family members about your preferences for matters that a will typically does not cover in detail: funeral arrangements, distribution of personal items with sentimental value, your reasons behind certain decisions, guidance for guardians of minor children, and messages to loved ones. Unlike the will itself, a letter of wishes is not legally binding, but it carries significant moral authority and practical value.
Is a letter of wishes legally binding?
No, a letter of wishes is not legally binding in most jurisdictions. The legally binding document is the will itself, which must meet specific formal requirements (witnesses, signatures, notarization in some states). However, courts and executors typically give serious consideration to a letter of wishes when it is consistent with the will and clearly reflects the testator's intent. The letter's primary value is practical and personal: it provides context and detail that helps executors make decisions in ambiguous situations and gives family members a sense of your thoughts and feelings.
What should I include in a letter of wishes?
A comprehensive letter of wishes typically covers: funeral and burial preferences (burial vs cremation, service details, music, readings), distribution of personal items not specifically addressed in the will (jewelry, photographs, collections), guidance for guardians of minor children (values, education preferences, religious upbringing), explanations for decisions in your will that might cause confusion or hurt feelings, messages to individual family members or friends, information about digital assets (passwords, account locations, social media preferences), charitable wishes, and any other personal preferences your executor should know about.